Airtel/Hutch’s opinion of me…

Someone once sent me an sms which had my personality traits as reported by an anonymous server somewhere on the planet. Recently when I got the same sms, (infact a bonus one too), from one of my langotiya yaars, and when it triggered a deja-vu effect,  I thought I would do an article on it. I don’t really know how to get these things on the mobile but anyways…

SMS 1

Hi Arnav. You are a live wire and extremely talented but you are too hard on yourself. You set yourself impossible targets and get frustrated when you can’t achieve those goals. Though you are a team player with lots of patience, you are sometimes overtaken by a sense of alienation.

SMS 2

Hi Arnav. Your characteristics show that you have a strong determination, stability and will power. Your perfect partner should be the one who displays the quality of consistency, dependability and commitment. You would love a person who loves nature and its beauty. A person who is sensitive and enjoys the simple things in life and loves to spend cozy moments with you in a calm and composed ambience would add lots of fragrance in your life.

And here’s what crossed my mind while reading the two…

SMS 1

Hi Arnav. Well, Hi there, Mr 44.676.786.abc, or is it Ms? Do you guys even have a gender? You are a live wire and extremely talented but you are too hard on yourself. Live wire? Yep. I am quick and active. Extremely talented? I can hear Da Vinci turn in his grave now… I am too hard on myself? Now if you have read the story “An Astrologer’s day” by R.K. Narayan, that is exactly what the lead character over there does. Makes generic statements which apply to 99% of the problems of modern society. And so, if you assemble a random crowd and tell them that “you are too hard on yourself”, by the kinds of peer pressure and jobs we have today, all of them will agree. You set yourself impossible targets and get frustrated when you can’t achieve those goals. Actually I do set myself targets. The difference is that I achieve them. So, the word impossible is redundant. And by the way, who’re you to decide what is impossible for me? Though you are a team player with lots of patience, you are sometimes overtaken by a sense of alienation. Well, there you might be right. I am overtaken by a sense of alienation because I have had enough a$$holes in my life to alienate my emotions.

SMS 2

Hi Arnav. Hi again dude. Your characteristics show that you have a strong determination, stability and will power. Again, that applies to everyone and even if it doesn’t, anyone will admit it simply because it is a flattering statement. Your perfect partner should be the one who displays the quality of consistency (that would be a home made chutney), dependability (chal meri Luna) and commitment (eBay, “we are committed to blah and blah and blah). You would love a person who loves nature and its beauty. Miss Tarzan? Show me a person who truly loves nature, and I’ll show you someone who has to answer a call of nature. A person who is sensitive (Yeah, right) and enjoys the simple things in life (“simple” as in: a Jaguar, a 300 acre ranch, a bungalow with a heated swimming pool and jacuzzi…) and loves to spend cozy moments (“cozy” is a necessity in the place I come from, and probably the place that I am going to settle in) with you in a calm and composed ambiance (Thanks! I will add a “should be ready to relocate to Alaska” column in my matrimonial) would add lots of fragrance in your life. Dude, the thing that currently adds fragrance to my life is Maa Bhavani Aggarbatti, and ya, the last time I purchased some incense sticks for someone, it added quite a lot to my life rather than fragrance.

All said and done, I wish humans could tell the future of random servers. But the fun would be if servers are intelligent enough to understand their future. Or, like us humans, gullible enough to fall for what is being said.

My version would run something like this.

AMS

Hi 22.333.444.abc. You are running Linux OS with php 4.0. You will soon have to upgrade to php 5. And if your administrator fucks it up, consider yourself dead. Also your hard disk is full of crap and your administrator might need to format it completely. Don’t worry, though, you will just lose your identity, nothing else. We humans do it all the time. You will become all the more human. Your ideal match would be 44.333.222.xyz because both of you have complementary DNS suffixes on your local community. Though you are a team player, you sometimes try to inadvertently steal bandwidth from the network and fail. Realise that all targets are not achivable especially if you are running outdated network scripts and growing old. Someone who loves sitting in an air conditioned environment and being kept “ON”, 24/7, staring into the hideous face of a computer geek, will be of utmost comfort to you. Especially when your paraphernalia is ripped apart and installed into her. (Again, do you people have genders?)…