Birdwatching

Educated in a boys’ convent school, we were always at war with the girls. The rivalry between St. Edwards, a boys’ school and Sacred Heart Convent a girls’ school, in Shimla, is as old as the conflict between science and religion, as grave as the mystery of the Mayans and as famous as the controversy of the Bermuda Triangle.

Reminiscing the halcyon days of my school life, everything was kosher. Throwing carrots and cabbages via the only open window in a broken down school bus to the rival school bus. Perfectly legal. Getting radishes and onions in response. Kosher. We were more than just gender bender wars or sibling rivalries. We were a bus full of the Hun tribe (I was Attila) at war with a galleon of War Sirens.

The only thing I never liked was the way girls were described by our seniors. The language was outright vulgar, demeaning, disrespectful. So, by way of passing time in a lighter vein, we swore that we would come up with a system of “birdwatching” which shall be both entertaining and informative. After 11 years of deep research and study, the result was FIRE. A non-profit organization that rates “birds” on a scale of ten. Although the title of this post is a little demeaning but as a disclaimer is not meant to cause any harm, and is intended in a lighter vein. Whatever opinion the reader wants to form of me, I couldn’t care less.

The constitution of FIRE is as listed below. As for the meaning of FIRE (its an abbreviation), it is beyond the scope of this article.

The Indian Rating System – FIRE

FIRE was founded on 1^st February 2007

I) Axioms:

Any ratable candidate shall be referred to as RATING.

The Absolute Rating Scale ranges from 0 to 10, in increments of 0.5 only.

Any rating done by the FIRE shall be unquestionable and unchallenged by any external authority.

FIRE members are themselves 10 each, and cannot be challenged by any external authority. No other rating can ever be rated as ABSOLUTE 10.

II) Methodology, Proceedings and Amendments:

1. 1^stFebruary 2007 onwards:

1.1. FIRE members getting acclimatized to the yet unrefined rating system.

2. 31^st March 2007 onwards: (including 1 above)

2.1. Any married RATING or RATING not of Indian origin shall be prefixed with an “i”, iota, meaning that they are not rated on the same parameters as the parameters on the scale in (I)-2, above.

2.2. FIRE member(s) should refrain from biased ratings on personal parameters like, height, complexion, age, or other parameters non-observable by the other member(s).

2.3. FIRE members shall refrain from giving demeaning ratings below 3, on purely humanitarian grounds.

2.4. Any rating below 3 shall be designated as NOT WORTH RATING or NWR.

3. 29^th August 2007 onwards: (including 2 above)

3.1. Any FIRE member can be barred for rating for a maximum period of 24 hours, if he be found violating any of the statements in 2 above.

3.2. A FIRE member can give or take away additional allowance of 0.5 from the other members’ rating, if he so wish, based entirely on personal preferences like attire etc. In no case can the allowance be more than 0.5.

3.3. If the mutual rating of each of the FIRE members varies by more than 2 points, the RATING shall be reviewed, discussed and revised.

3.4. The ABSOLUTE RATING of a ratable candidate shall be given by arithmetic mean of (R1, R2, R3), where R1, R2 and R3 are the ratings given by each of the FIRE members, provided the values do not defy any of the rules/standards stated above.

e.g. If the three FIRE ratings are 5,6.5 and 7. Then 5 + 6 + 7 = 18.5 Hence the ABSOLUTE RATING IS 18.5/3 = 6. (Rounded off to nearest lower figure, including increments)

3.5. Exception: Even if the fire members rate anyone as 10 each, individually, the ABSOLUTE RATING shall be 9.9 and not 10. Just like in Einstein’s Theory of Relativity c+c is c and not 2c.

4. 13^th September 2007 onwards: (including 3 above)

4.1. Any rating shall be by default rated at MSD (Minimum Safe Distance). According to observations, a rating beyond 20 feet is often over-rated by the FIRE members. This is unacceptable. Hence a FIRE member shall either:

4.1.1. Wait for a rating to be within MSD or

4.1.2. Explicitly state that the rating given is beyond MSD. This shall be designated by a suffix OMSD (outside Minimum Safe Distance).

4.2. The MSD variable was upgraded to MSE. (Minimum Safe Environment), owing to the over/under rating of ratings in unfavourable environment, e.g. fog, smoke, glass screen, a fleeting glance, etc. OMSD is now OMSE.

5. 31^st March 2008 onwards: (including 4 above)

5.1. The group effect: A very sinister psychological effect was observed and was labeled the “group” effect. It is defined as the over or under rating of an individual rating, based on the rating of the group the rating is within.

5.2. Examples of Group Effect. :

5.2.1. Negative group effect: A group of ratings (all within MSE) is 4,5,5,7 respectively. Now if the fourth rating is solitary then the rating of that person would be 7. However, owing to being in a group, the rating given by FIRE members shall automatically be, 4,5,5,6. This is called negative group effect. In case a doubt arises that a rating is at a disadvantage owing to the negative group effect, a compensation of +1 (and no more) shall be made.

5.2.2. Positive group effect: A group of ratings (all within MSE) is 7,7,7,4 respectively. Now if the fourth rating is solitary then the rating of that person would be 4. However, owing to being in a group, the rating given by FIRE members shall automatically be, 7,7,7,5. This is called negative group effect. In case a doubt arises that a rating is at a disadvantage owing to the positive group effect, a compensation of -1 (and no more) shall be made.

6. Should any rating be withheld (e.g. on purely humanitarian or belittling grounds), the rating shall be arbitrarily assigned a 12.5

As revised on 2^nd June, 2008.

Since 20^th Jan, 2008, a FIRE member is facing a crisis in his personal life. We hope that he resumes rating soon.

Now this was real fun. On the basis of the above missive, we would rate Aishwarya Rai as a 7, Katrina Kaif as an 8, Amisha and Diya at a close 6.5

After months of practice we were able to standardize the rating scale and found out that the median rating of The Mall, Shimla, is 6. Many other interesting observations were made. All in all we gave a new meaning to the term malling, which was so overemphasized in Shimla and Hamirpur as well! At the end of the day all we did was forget about the whole thing and start afresh the next day! Recumbent fun! Happy rating!